theDevilsDoll_x

So basically, I've made a new LiveJournal account under a more recent pseudonym.
"The Devil's Doll" is something I tired of and certainly grew out of a while ago.


So, although I know I've very few friends on here, if by chance you do stop by this page and want to add me, please please click on this banner to follow the link to my new LiveJournal :)

So my Devil's Doll alias thing is getting old.
I'm making a new account, a fresh start, under my alias Emma Cadavra.
[play on the word Cadaver, very clearly stolen from a Sims 2 gameboy game but that's not important haha]


So, if I re-add you, which I most likely will, accept plz? :3

I'm in a good mood.

Yesterday my Transmuters finally arrived, I was wearing them around the house all day haha :)

Also, I've just put some bleach on the sections of my hair I want to eventually be red, I'll be ginger for a while but I can live with it, I have done before, last time I bleached my whole head.
However, I don't think I'll ever do that again. Bleaching twice in two days with 40vol bleach was the stupidest thing I've ever done, and then thinking that baby pink dye would work over yellow hair.
*facepalm*
My hair was so damaged and still is, it's ridiculous to think I was that stupid really, haha.

Anyway, this time I've used 30vol bleach, and I don't intend on re-doing it for at least about 3 weeks, maybe 4, so I can put the red dye on just before the Wednesday 13 gig on April 1st, and then touch it up just before I leave for Dorset, to see my dear :3
*giggles* not long now ^___^

Anyway, I'll make another post later with pictures of my hair -ginger lol- and my boots. I've got a choice between black rubber spike panels and metal spike ones. Metal spikes, for the fucking win :D

X

I'm not really sure how I feel today.
I'm happy, I've bought myself a new pair of Transmuter boots off eBay, they come with a selection of panels and I'm in love with them, they'll be here this week, so that's good.
I'll post some pictures of them when they arrive. I've hardly any picture posts on here.
Also happy because I've got plans for my hair, I've decided to bleach a few sections at the front and the sides of my fringe, and dye them red. Black and red hair ftw <3

6 weeks today until he comes home and I can go and stay with him. That's only a month and a half, 2 and a half have gone by already so hopefully the wait won't be too painful.
He's not been talking much recently. I wonder if he's okay.. Probably gaming with his flatmates.
I worry too much.

I'm also wondering if maybe I should start making an effort to make some friends on here.
I've not got many, I usually just use LiveJournal to rant at, but it'd be nice to have people to talk to, to get their opinions and stuff.

So yeah. I think I'll do that.

Pfft. Lost for words. Like I said, not sure how I'm feeling, I'm neither this way nor that.
Oh well. Another lazy day for a college drop-out.

>.>

This past week or so has been so special, everything seems to have started looking up again.
Life still has it's down but it always will, I'm trying my hardest to look past them for at least the time being.

Ohh, where do I start.
( I'll start here. )

I just finished making his Valentine's card =3

<3

I still recall the taste of your tears, echoing your voice just like the ringing in my ears. My favourite dreams of you still wash ashore, scraping through my head, 'til I don't wanna sleep.. anymore.
You make this all go away. You make this all go away. I'm down to just one thing - I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away. You make this all go away. I just want something.. I just want something I can never have..
You always were the one to show me how. Back then I couldn't do the things that I can do now. This thing is slowly taking me apart, grey would be the colour.. If I had a heart, come on, tell me!
You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I'm down to just one thing - I'm starting to scare myself. You make this all go away! You make it all go away. I just want something.. I just want something I can never have..
In this place it seems like such a shame.. Though it all looks different now, I know it's still the same. Everywhere I look you're all I see.. Just a fading fucking reminder of who I used to be! Come on, tell me!
You make this all go away! You make this all go away! I'm down to just one thing - I'm starting to scare myself! You make this all go away! You make it all go away! I just want something! I just want something, I can never have..
I just want something, I can never have..
I just want something, I can never have..
I can never have..

So it turns out my grandad's funeral has been post-poned to the 20th.

Oh well.
Not that it bothers me, I don't want to see my family anyway atm.

I feel awful because I should care but I don't?
I have other things to worry about if I'm honest.

Under the cut, there is a lot of writing. If you don't give a shit, don't click on it.

4th entry today.
God.

Why do I feel like this?
Why is it that I can't even cry, because it doesn't feel like it would be enough?
I want to scream. I want to scream until my vocal chords rip apart, I want to break things, it's insane, I can't work out why this is happening.

And why am I drinking?
Alcohol is NOT going to make me feel better, at all.
I know what I want. I want him. I want him to be here even for a few minutes and cuddle me and stroke my hair and kiss my head and tell me it's all okay.
I don't care if it's not really okay, if he says it is then maybe it will be, just for a little while.

And I want to stop feeling like this, I was to go outside, go for a walk, break this fuck awful habit of being inside all the fucking time in a dark room on my own.
but do you know what?
I CAN'T BE FUCKED. Because I'm lazy, and lethargic, and I feel so SHIT that I don't even want to move.

At first I worried that I felt this because of him.
But no. The only reason he makes me sad is because he's not here, but it's okay.
I'll be with him soon, 8 weeks more, and things will be okay, he'll be in my arms and I will be fine.

This is more than that? I might start taking sleeping pills again, Nytol - maybe they work better. I have to sleep. I just don't want to.
"I don't sleep so I don't dream so I don't wake up frightened"

Hmm.

Fuck's sake.
Grandad's funeral on Friday. Don't want to go. I'm still so fucking angry at what he's done, the struggle he brought to this family by taking his life like that.

I don't want to see my family.
I don't want to see anyone.
At all.

I want to say I wish today would be over sooner.
But the sooner it's over, the sooner I have to try sleeping.

I can't sleep.
I feel too sick to sleep.
I just toss and turn for hours trying to get comfortable.

I hate this feeling.

Jesus. It's only just been over an hour and I'm back here already.

But for FUCK'S sake.








Why do I like him so much..

Recently, I just don't know what's wrong with me.

Last night I had the worst night's sleep I've had in months just because of this repulsive gut feeling I had as though I wanted to physically tear myself apart - flesh from bone - because I feel like such a waste?

Being reminded constantly of what a 'failure' I am isn't helping, the fact that my own father is making me feel like I don't deserve to be alive.

...
*sigh* I just looked out my window and saw a red breasted woodpecker in the tree in my garden. Why has that made me feel worse?!

Nothing is making me feel better. People aren't making me feel better. I started going on a chatroom for the simple purpose of having a laugh and shouting at all the 13/14 year old emo faggots on there that are desperate for a girlfriend or boyfriend, making them get all defensive and angry. It makes me laugh. But that's shallow pleasure and it goes away.

Talking to my friends doesn't help me, they don't know what to say when I tell them I don't know how to explain how I feel, I don't want to meet new people, I don't want to talk to anyone at all, really.

I'm just in here, in my house, in my room on this computer waiting for time to pass by.
I've a lock on my bedroom door which I use often just out of general insecurity.

Which leads me onto something else. Why AM I so insecure?
It's driving me insane. I think it's part of the main problem.
I worry too much, far too much, I'm quite a paranoid person and the fact that I am irritates me and makes me want to change, but I can't.
He sometimes tells me not to worry about him but I do! I can't help it, it's how I am! And it's driving me insane.

LiveJournal is my new best friend.
I don't care if no one reads this because typing it out is making me feel like I understand what's wrong. Which may not actually be a good thing, perhaps ignorance really is bliss.
I don't know.
I don't even care.

I got my new computer yesterday, finally!
Now everything works properly again.

My old computer wouldn't let me post entries on here, which I admit has been a painful thing for me because I've had nowhere to vent my feelings, though now it seems I have the opportunity, I don't know what to say.

Everything that makes me happy seems only to be temporary recently.
He makes me happy, but he's far away, and I understand that he's busy in university and has friends of his own up there who he needs to spend time with.

Dancing to good music makes me happy, but something always manages to bring me down.

My friends make me happy, but sometimes I have to question who my real friends are, and the most important friends I have lives miles away from me.

After dropping out of college in November, with hope of going back to sixth form in September, I've been treated like shit by family, like I've thrown my life away, and as if I have no intention of going back into education, which I quite obviously do.
They treat me like the outcast, my father even said to me "You've not turned out like we hoped. We can only hope your brother turns out better."
Jesus. Thanks mum, thanks dad.

Right now all it feels like I can do is hide in my room on the computer.
How sad. How fucking sad.

You just never know who you can trust these days.
What an awful day.

I feel like shit.